I have a brand new past. I just got it yesterday. It is so new I am not sure what to do with it or how much change will come from it. I can feel the change but that might be just a passing novelty. The simple charm of being new.
Yesterday, I was working on a post I called ‘Writing the Ship”. Having arrived at the sourcepoint of the rage I have known as an adult, I was dumbfounded, without any idea of what to do. I decided to write my way out of it. I outlined my anger, what I have always known it to be. For most of my life I have sought to solve this anger, to be finished with it and writing the Mystic Tourist Blog brought anger to the forefront, the problem to solve. It stems from a place in time and my work brought me to that place. Having found myself in this angry place everything was irritating. I was not angry but I was at an angry place.
I wrote in great detail what about what has made me mad. Boring. Something was missing and through the day I discovered that I had misunderstood my anger. The rage I had known was as a suit of clothes and I had mistaken the person, in the suit, for the rage I wore. If I was not angry about the things I have been so sure were the cause, for over forty years, what then was the anger about? Well I answered the question and forgave myself. I then found another point in time, more recent than the angry sourcepoint, a time that corrected the structure of what I had gotten so upset about, and it is all gone. A brand new past.
I will never be able to consider myself the same again and the past I have known is forever changed.